I have been trying to get this out of me for a while. Music has played a critical role in my life for the last month. I lived with out it for a week, by choice. I really felt lost. I still do. I will for a while. That's ok. Things happen to me everyday that throw my life out of wack. I am failing in school right now. Well failing for me. I'm just apathetic to most situations. I realize I can be a dramatic person, I'm ok with that. I just have to better deal with it someway. I was really afraid of the new Jack's cd. I thought it'd be really really hard for me. I love this girl. I can't help but love her. I lost her. That's life. My cousin said she would be more than bitter if it happened to her. But I'm not bitter. I'm just lost. I don't know how to be bitter about that. She's happy, and I really am happy about that. I'm just lost. But this song, it helped me find a little strength lately.
I've been running such a long time,
I've been hiding from the truth,
I've been better,
been broken,
been buried,
Now I'm death proof.
I feel like this is one of the best ways to say that line that has been over done in over a hundred songs. That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. It's a fact of life. Our trails temper us like steal. I don't know how hard God plans to temper me, but I know He will. And I am ok with that. I trust in my Master's hands. I know God is real. I know He is involved in our daily lives. He cares more about us than we do ourselves. I feel that love so much everyday. So much. I just wish I knew how to release my own inabilities. I wish I could put off my frailties better. I wish I could not let my happiness pivot on the things I can't change. I'm a better man than I was yesterday, but I've got so far to go.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I want to be a better person...
I wanted to sleep right now. I wanted to forget who I am. I contemplated mailing my professors and not going to school tomorrow. I don't know how I'm supposed to face the world. I don't know how I can go on. I am a very emotional person. I internalize almost every feeling I've ever felt. The me on the surface comes out, in my opinion, often as something that annoys me. I treasure those moments that are real. The moments when my face turns into a smile because it doesn't know how else to contain what its feeling. I have a picture of myself like this. I feel like its me, just happy. Happy to be me. Happy to be where I am. Happy to be alive. Moments ago I felt I could never be that again. And yet in the light of music, love, and memory I am feeling stronger by the moment. I don't want to hurt. But I guess we have to face it.
I feel like I've just been blind to so many things for so long right now.
I don't know why but something so simple as one line in one part of a song can calm me like nothing else. In "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz the chorus starts with the lines if its a broken part replace it, if its a broken arm then brace it, if its a broken heart replace it. I feel like parts of me are crushed right now. I feel like I don't know how to function. And yet I have to face it. I have to. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to feel broken and unable to move. I guess i'm just going to have to hold my own, and remember who I am. I am going to have to learn to love myself again. I am going to have to go my own way.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Gratitude
Maybe its getting old. Maybe its not feelin well and wishin that i was healthy right now. Maybe its watching my body repair itself from a pretty big injury. Maybe its the fact that my stomach is full, I had a terrific birthday weekend, and I'm feeling like I just might make it for once in my life. I don't know the specific reason but I am really grateful right now. It started this morning when I said my prayers before scripture study. I developed a habit of saying I am grateful the Lord will provide the things I need instead of asking for them. But it went that way today. Then in devotional Sister Novilla talked about the journey of her family out of poverty. I sure am grateful that that was not my trail. But she said a lot of things about how our journey is what makes us who we are and the joy can often be found in the journey as well as the destination. The big thing I walked away with from her devotional was that, 'one would not understand the beauty and blessings, the pure happiness of our stories without know ing the trails and burdens we must go through."
And we make our journey by believing. So I guess my faith in life has made me grateful today. And I don't know about you, but I won't stop believing.
And we make our journey by believing. So I guess my faith in life has made me grateful today. And I don't know about you, but I won't stop believing.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Long Time No Blog
Today my music was too awesome to not take any time to say anything about it. Wo, don't know if that made sense. I don't know how much longer the theme of my blog will keep up. I kinda just need an outlet to write and I wanted to do it here. But today is fitting with my theme.
SO today was forecasted to be a snowy day. I love the snow and was excited about it. I woke up this morning in a bit of a melancholy mood when I woke up. I went through my morning routine. Pray. Shower. A little devotional. Breakfast. Quick study before school. Well With a few minutes I threw together a quick playlist for my walk to school. It rocked my world. I've listened through it about four times today.
It Started with 9 crimes by Damien Rice. This is kinda my go to song when I am down. I don't know why. The slow melody and the contrast between the two voices in the song just really sink into me. The echoing of "Is that alright?" is often how I feel in my own life, like we're always asking each other if something is ok. I think my generations often lacks in the fine art that is communication.
The next song on this playlist of my day is "Hold You in My Arms" by Ray LaMontagne. I think this song is supposed to be really happy but coming from 9 Crimes I feel the use of impulse in it. While the beat is positive its got some sort of longing to it there. "Don't let your eyes refuse to see, Don't let your ears refuse to hear, you ain't ever gonna shake this sense of sadness." Its like hey happiness for us all is right here, its up to you.
Here's where it got great for me. I was about to the tanner when "Chocolate" by Snow Patrol came on. My pace became faster. And as I rounded the corner and the line "All of these places feel like home." and then when he says "as a child of 25, this is the final straw...Sorry doesn't mean i didn't try". Again kinda a downer song, but yet I became a lot more up. And I think that is kinda of the message for me here. There is a chance at love and that's what will make it all worth it in the end.
Which lead into "First Day of my Life" by Bright Eyes. "I swear I was born right in the doorway." I have always loved this song. I want to sing this song about a girl someday. It totally shows how a true romantic feels. Love is home. It doesn't matter about anything else in the world. You forget everything and just devote yourself to that person. One thing I also really like about this song is the way his voice kinda cracks with emotion.
In the flow of easy listening Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" comes along. "They will see us waving from such Great Heights. 'Come down now', they'll say. But everything looks great from far away...We'll stay." Hahaha I'm starting to get the vibe that I'm either a true romantic, or a very optimistic pessimist. who knows? Who cares.
Maybe the fact that Postal Service came up on the list its no coincidence that the next group up would be Death Cab for Cutie. "Marching Bands of Manhattan" also talks about perspective in life. "When the sun shines again I pull the curtains to let the light in." I've always loved the change that they put into their vocal tempo. I feel like this helps me relate to music so much more. Our lives are always moving and we just gotta go where it takes us sometimes. The layering to music also makes me kinda realize we can choose what part we experience the most and even if we go through the same thing multiple times we're gonna have a different experience.
Haha, here is the other part that really rocked my world today. So I was at school for about two hours. When I left the Promised snow was no where to be seen. Well after listening to my beloved jams one time through I started again a second. About this song I decided to head back home and have lunch. Snow Patrol "Set fire to the Third Bar" came on right as I exited the Library. It was a blizzard outside. Seriously, snow patrol called down that beautiful powder that erases everything and opens up a world of endless possibilities. I didn't even get to ride today, and I didn't even mind.
"Us" by Regina Spektor came along next. If you've seen 500 Days of Summer, I'm sure you know this song. Its the one that plays in the beginning...I think. I love that movie. He looks in a mirror and sees himself as Han Solo after hooking up with Zooey Deschanel, need I say more?
Here are a few to the List that I don't really have much to say about but if you wanna listen to it in its entirety:
"Swallowed In The Sea" by Coldplay
"Trust Me" by The Fray
"Slow dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer
Jason Mraz, if you know me you knew this was coming, "1000 Things". I love this song. But the best part about the one I threw into this list is its an old recording from before he cut Waiting for my Rocket. In the beginging he says to Toca "Did I ever tell you, you remind me of Grimace? Especially when you wear your Purple shorts...Grimace dude I'm tripping." I also love the I always wanted to part. Who hasn't wanted to do something and ran from it because of their fears. I have.
"When Your Mind is Made Up" by Once
"Rebellion" By Arcade Fire. Could this song be any cooler? This is one of those where it gets to the Nah na na na nah part you're just like HECK YES.
Again my hero Jason Mraz steps in here with "Details in the Fabric". I mean come on this song is about talking your friend outta depression. I love it. If its a broken part Replace it. If its a broken arm then brace it. If its a broken heart, then Face it. Hold your own. Know YOUR name. And go your OWN way.
"Shelter" by Ray LaMontage. "Oh Love is Around us. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. You will shelter me, my love, and I will shelter you."
"Everybody's Changing" by Keane. I remember finding this song on yahoo music when I was like a junior in high school.
"Summer Skin" by Death Cab
"Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol
"Sparks" by Coldplay
"Vienna" by The Fray
"Mushaboom" By Feist. Sha boom sha boom.
"Tears and Rain" by James Blunt. K, you're beautiful was the stalker song of the decade but I loved the rest of that album. I saw him in concert and he put on an awesome show. The regret in this song comes across to me a lot.
"I'd Rather Be with you" by Joshua Radin wraps it up for me. All the things I fear I need to say, I can't explain in any other way. I think this is really how I came out of my funk. The playlist did a lot to carry me through everything that was going through my mind. I realized I'm young. I have a lot of life and mistakes yet to be made, and I should be happy about it. Which I am. Even when I'm down I'm happy. I attribute that to the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I've made the right choices in my life and they've brought me to where I need to be. Something else I came outta this list with.
Well if you made it this far, and if you took my musical trip too, I hope you enjoyed it.
SO today was forecasted to be a snowy day. I love the snow and was excited about it. I woke up this morning in a bit of a melancholy mood when I woke up. I went through my morning routine. Pray. Shower. A little devotional. Breakfast. Quick study before school. Well With a few minutes I threw together a quick playlist for my walk to school. It rocked my world. I've listened through it about four times today.
It Started with 9 crimes by Damien Rice. This is kinda my go to song when I am down. I don't know why. The slow melody and the contrast between the two voices in the song just really sink into me. The echoing of "Is that alright?" is often how I feel in my own life, like we're always asking each other if something is ok. I think my generations often lacks in the fine art that is communication.
The next song on this playlist of my day is "Hold You in My Arms" by Ray LaMontagne. I think this song is supposed to be really happy but coming from 9 Crimes I feel the use of impulse in it. While the beat is positive its got some sort of longing to it there. "Don't let your eyes refuse to see, Don't let your ears refuse to hear, you ain't ever gonna shake this sense of sadness." Its like hey happiness for us all is right here, its up to you.
Here's where it got great for me. I was about to the tanner when "Chocolate" by Snow Patrol came on. My pace became faster. And as I rounded the corner and the line "All of these places feel like home." and then when he says "as a child of 25, this is the final straw...Sorry doesn't mean i didn't try". Again kinda a downer song, but yet I became a lot more up. And I think that is kinda of the message for me here. There is a chance at love and that's what will make it all worth it in the end.
Which lead into "First Day of my Life" by Bright Eyes. "I swear I was born right in the doorway." I have always loved this song. I want to sing this song about a girl someday. It totally shows how a true romantic feels. Love is home. It doesn't matter about anything else in the world. You forget everything and just devote yourself to that person. One thing I also really like about this song is the way his voice kinda cracks with emotion.
In the flow of easy listening Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" comes along. "They will see us waving from such Great Heights. 'Come down now', they'll say. But everything looks great from far away...We'll stay." Hahaha I'm starting to get the vibe that I'm either a true romantic, or a very optimistic pessimist. who knows? Who cares.
Maybe the fact that Postal Service came up on the list its no coincidence that the next group up would be Death Cab for Cutie. "Marching Bands of Manhattan" also talks about perspective in life. "When the sun shines again I pull the curtains to let the light in." I've always loved the change that they put into their vocal tempo. I feel like this helps me relate to music so much more. Our lives are always moving and we just gotta go where it takes us sometimes. The layering to music also makes me kinda realize we can choose what part we experience the most and even if we go through the same thing multiple times we're gonna have a different experience.
Haha, here is the other part that really rocked my world today. So I was at school for about two hours. When I left the Promised snow was no where to be seen. Well after listening to my beloved jams one time through I started again a second. About this song I decided to head back home and have lunch. Snow Patrol "Set fire to the Third Bar" came on right as I exited the Library. It was a blizzard outside. Seriously, snow patrol called down that beautiful powder that erases everything and opens up a world of endless possibilities. I didn't even get to ride today, and I didn't even mind.
"Us" by Regina Spektor came along next. If you've seen 500 Days of Summer, I'm sure you know this song. Its the one that plays in the beginning...I think. I love that movie. He looks in a mirror and sees himself as Han Solo after hooking up with Zooey Deschanel, need I say more?
Here are a few to the List that I don't really have much to say about but if you wanna listen to it in its entirety:
"Swallowed In The Sea" by Coldplay
"Trust Me" by The Fray
"Slow dancing in a Burning Room" by John Mayer
Jason Mraz, if you know me you knew this was coming, "1000 Things". I love this song. But the best part about the one I threw into this list is its an old recording from before he cut Waiting for my Rocket. In the beginging he says to Toca "Did I ever tell you, you remind me of Grimace? Especially when you wear your Purple shorts...Grimace dude I'm tripping." I also love the I always wanted to part. Who hasn't wanted to do something and ran from it because of their fears. I have.
"When Your Mind is Made Up" by Once
"Rebellion" By Arcade Fire. Could this song be any cooler? This is one of those where it gets to the Nah na na na nah part you're just like HECK YES.
Again my hero Jason Mraz steps in here with "Details in the Fabric". I mean come on this song is about talking your friend outta depression. I love it. If its a broken part Replace it. If its a broken arm then brace it. If its a broken heart, then Face it. Hold your own. Know YOUR name. And go your OWN way.
"Shelter" by Ray LaMontage. "Oh Love is Around us. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. You will shelter me, my love, and I will shelter you."
"Everybody's Changing" by Keane. I remember finding this song on yahoo music when I was like a junior in high school.
"Summer Skin" by Death Cab
"Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol
"Sparks" by Coldplay
"Vienna" by The Fray
"Mushaboom" By Feist. Sha boom sha boom.
"Tears and Rain" by James Blunt. K, you're beautiful was the stalker song of the decade but I loved the rest of that album. I saw him in concert and he put on an awesome show. The regret in this song comes across to me a lot.
"I'd Rather Be with you" by Joshua Radin wraps it up for me. All the things I fear I need to say, I can't explain in any other way. I think this is really how I came out of my funk. The playlist did a lot to carry me through everything that was going through my mind. I realized I'm young. I have a lot of life and mistakes yet to be made, and I should be happy about it. Which I am. Even when I'm down I'm happy. I attribute that to the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I've made the right choices in my life and they've brought me to where I need to be. Something else I came outta this list with.
Well if you made it this far, and if you took my musical trip too, I hope you enjoyed it.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Out of My Head
Haven't posted in a long time. That doesn't mean nothings been going on in my life. Just that I am utterly lame and suck at this whole blogging thing. I also suck at the whole expressing who I am and what not. I really do like to write and just kinda put emotions to words. I feel flawed in my words. But its nice to get them out and onto paper.
I chose "Out of my Head" by Fastball to kinda show my mood today. Sometimes in life I just don't know what I am doing, ok honestly this isn't a sometime thing I would say 95% of the time I haven't a clue. I make plans and they don't happen. I see things and they aren't right. I follow my heart and it leads me to what I think are dead ends. Truth be told I have learned that when I follow my heart I never hit a dead end, just a road that goes in a direction I didn't expect. And that r0ad always prepares me to walk a better road.
But still from time to time I am just like "WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT?". Admittedly I have made many a wrong choice and it often comes back to bit me in the butt. I don't know. Today I guess I just learned to trust my gut. Trust the possibilities and go with the flow, but be willing to swim when you know you need to. Today I feel like swimming. Doing what I can to have what I want. I don't know if what I want in life is always the best but eh, That's a mistake I am willing to make. What if it's not a mistake? That's a greater risk.
There is always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say.
I love the guitar solo in the middle of the song. Its so simple but its totally something you can get your own personal grove on to.
I chose "Out of my Head" by Fastball to kinda show my mood today. Sometimes in life I just don't know what I am doing, ok honestly this isn't a sometime thing I would say 95% of the time I haven't a clue. I make plans and they don't happen. I see things and they aren't right. I follow my heart and it leads me to what I think are dead ends. Truth be told I have learned that when I follow my heart I never hit a dead end, just a road that goes in a direction I didn't expect. And that r0ad always prepares me to walk a better road.
But still from time to time I am just like "WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT?". Admittedly I have made many a wrong choice and it often comes back to bit me in the butt. I don't know. Today I guess I just learned to trust my gut. Trust the possibilities and go with the flow, but be willing to swim when you know you need to. Today I feel like swimming. Doing what I can to have what I want. I don't know if what I want in life is always the best but eh, That's a mistake I am willing to make. What if it's not a mistake? That's a greater risk.
There is always more than one way to say exactly what you mean to say.
I love the guitar solo in the middle of the song. Its so simple but its totally something you can get your own personal grove on to.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Say
I had a good talk with a great friend tonight. Its amazing how much the world can get to each of us and weigh us down. We just sat there and opened our mouths. We let what was bothering each of our worlds collide. We shared our emotions, our hopes, our fears. I soon found that what had seemed so heavy didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I also found that I wanna enjoy every minute of my life. I picked this because the line "say what you NEED to say" really applied to my life today. It just needed to be said. Once my thoughts were words, they seemed so much smaller and useless. I also like the reference to the Bucket List and how we need to enjoy the time that God has given us.
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