I wanted to sleep right now. I wanted to forget who I am. I contemplated mailing my professors and not going to school tomorrow. I don't know how I'm supposed to face the world. I don't know how I can go on. I am a very emotional person. I internalize almost every feeling I've ever felt. The me on the surface comes out, in my opinion, often as something that annoys me. I treasure those moments that are real. The moments when my face turns into a smile because it doesn't know how else to contain what its feeling. I have a picture of myself like this. I feel like its me, just happy. Happy to be me. Happy to be where I am. Happy to be alive. Moments ago I felt I could never be that again. And yet in the light of music, love, and memory I am feeling stronger by the moment. I don't want to hurt. But I guess we have to face it.
I feel like I've just been blind to so many things for so long right now.
I don't know why but something so simple as one line in one part of a song can calm me like nothing else. In "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz the chorus starts with the lines if its a broken part replace it, if its a broken arm then brace it, if its a broken heart replace it. I feel like parts of me are crushed right now. I feel like I don't know how to function. And yet I have to face it. I have to. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to feel broken and unable to move. I guess i'm just going to have to hold my own, and remember who I am. I am going to have to learn to love myself again. I am going to have to go my own way.
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